Stressed by Her Stress

Dear Danielle,

My fiance has a stressful job as an attorney and she usually brings that stress back home at the end of the workday. Inevitably, some of her stress gets taken out on me (unintentionally). What can I do to alleviate some of the tension? My "everything will be fine honey" response is beginning to wear thin.

Signed,
"Stressed By Her Stress"


Dear "Stressed By Her Stress",

Engagements are stressful even in the best of times, so I can imagine work related stress has just made everything feel unbearable for you and your fiance. One of the benefits of being in a committed relationship is having someone at the end of the day to confide in and unleash some angst. Of course, if the stress is just breeding more stress then something has to change. Instead of telling your finance that her complaining about work stress is taking a toll on you, I suggest you do the following. This weekend, when you are both in a relaxed mood say the following to her - "Honey, I know how difficult work has been for you lately and I know its even harder that when you come home you can't stop thinking about the hard day you've had. I think it would be better if we established a set amount of time a day (for example, 15 minutes) to discuss work issues. Once we have addressed what's on your mind let's try to focus on conversation that uplifts us and relaxes us. Nothing will really be accomplished by going over and over your work stress, and I want you to enjoy our evenings together." Then, when she gets home from work on Monday, after you have discussed work stress for the decided amount of time, sweetly say "Honey you deserve a break. Let's leave this conversation until tomorrow and let's focus on doing something fun." Go out for a drink, or go to the gym - or whatever you two enjoy doing together. If you make "work talk" a limited part of your evening schedule, it will force your fiance to focus on other things and let go a bit. Hope this works!

Life on Fast Forward

Sometimes, the allure of the next moment in time seems so attractive it is hard to stay in the present. I cherish the moments that I just stop and absorb a laugh with a friend, a cuddle with my husband, or a thought of inspiration. Tonight, while watching Julia & Julie, I had one of those stop in my tracks and exhale moments. Sitting next to us was a couple in their late 70's. They held hands and whispered throughout the movie. So did my husband and I, but hey we're young and in love. The older couple next to us made time stop for a moment. They reminded me that by the time we look their age life will have gone by in an instant. If my husband and I could be in love like them and have each other when we are that age we will be the richest people on earth.

My Nana Goldie always told me as a little girl "the past is history, the future is a mystery, and the present is a gift."

Tonight I will fall asleep very happy.

Just because I am your wife doesn't mean I can't be your girlfriend

Dear Danielle,

When I was dating my husband he would constantly surprise me with sweet love notes or flowers and always plan original and romantic dates. Now that we are married, he is still more affectionate than ever, however all the date planning has been left to me. Does marriage mean an end to being courted?

Sincerely,
"Court-me"


Dear "Court-me",

Even the best men often forget that asking a woman on a date doesn't have to end with marriage. We all sometimes get too comfortable in our routines and it takes someone waking us up a bit to remember that in order to keep things fresh, both partners must contribute to spicing things up. Courting should not end at marriage. Many people advocate a scheduled "date night" however I feel that lacks the spontaneity that is essential to genuine romance. Rather, I suggest that you write your husband a love note. Include as part of your message the following line - "Just because I am your wife, doesn't mean I can't be your girlfriend too." Challenge him to find one day during the following thirty days to surprise you in a way that will make you feel like his girlfriend, not his wife. No need to spell it out that you want a romantic date. Let him take control, and I am sure you wont be disappointed.

Collateral Stalking

The NYTimes this weekend published a story on the way that blogs, twitter and facebook have made it virtually impossible to just have a "night out" without being documented:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/09/fashion/09blogfree.html?_r=1&ref=fashion
The article quotes a woman who happened to be at the same wedding as Bachelorette star Reid Rosenthal. A photo that was taken of them together at the wedding was uploaded to facebook by another wedding guest, and although Reid and this woman don't know each other, everyone she knows is messaging her and trying to get her to set them up with Reid.

We have all heard of those who stalk celebrities but stalking a reality TV star might actually be an ultimate low. Don't get me wrong - Reid is phenomenally handsome and genuine, and he happens to be one of our close friends. My husband and I had dinner with him the night the finale of the Bachelorette aired. We could not eat dinner in peace without Reid's blackberry buzzing off the hook from emails of strange women all claiming, "I am not a stalker...but I think we might be soul mates." Like the NYTimes article depicts, I have also gotten endless emails and phone calls from long lost friends hoping to re-connect just so I will set them up with Reid.

All this stalking has got me thinking, has the fact that we can see so closely into others lives, through mediums such as facebook and reality TV, changed what our perceptions are of human interactions? Have we developed a false notion of what it is to truly know people, by confusing frequent facebook status updates and unscripted programming, with really connecting with someone?

I'll have a large popcorn...hold the drama

I am really looking forward to seeing the movie Julie & Julia which is based upon Julia Child. I read her memoir this summer in France, and although I often skim even my favorite books - I read this one word for word very slowly. I am fascinated by the details of developing recipes and even more interested in Julia's path to finding her true purpose, cooking.

The NYTimes noted recently that the relationship Julia had with her husband Paul was very peaceful and passionate. Accordingly, in Julie & Julia their marriage is depicted as healthy and loving, void of drama. This vision of a stable marriage is rarely seen in TV and Movies. How refreshing it will be to watch the love story of the Child's marriage without going through Hollywood's typical runthrough of meeting, falling in love, some disruption/tension, possible break-up, and reconciliation. Don't get me wrong - I am all for happy endings, however, why does it always have to be shown as so challenging to get to the utopian finish line? Maybe we are so used to thinking the road to love must inherently be rocky that we have lost sight of the peace that quality relationships should create.

The lesson I have learned from Julia and Paul is: Life is filled with unexpected chaos, so seek out a partner that brings you serenity and laughter. Sometimes it may seem boring, but unlike Hollywood, typical folks don't make a penny on dramatic romance.

WRITE ME

Send me your questions to DEARDANIELLE@GMAIL.COM

Some like it COLD

Yesterday, an article in the NYTimes reaffirmed what my husband always tell me. People sleep better when the temperature of their bedroom is cold. Ideally between 60 - 68 degrees F. I am always cold and he is always warm. I guess I should get used to sleeping with lots of blankets now that I have been proven scientifically wrong.

However, it got me thinking - when someone in a relationship is proven wrong is it easy to let go and accept the others way - or do human beings love to be right at all costs? Before I got married, someone told me the biggest secret to a long and happy marriage is a short memory span. I agree. Although my husband and I are very opinionated, we are starting to learn that forgetting there ever was a difference of opinion, and letting each other feel right is sometimes more important than being right. Also, we have gotten good as having a difference of opinion one moment and the next be cuddling watching a movie. Although for two independent people like us, this can be challenging.

What are your thoughts on when it is important to stress one's opinion or fight for "your way" and when is it better to just give up for the sake of the relationship? Is there a happy medium?

I am Definitely a Coaster

I know you're wondering, what is a Coaster? It is a term I have coined to describe myself, as well as others like me, who have lived in big cities on both the West Coast and East Coast. For myself it has been Vancouver, Montreal, New York City, Philadelphia (briefly) and Los Angeles. Somehow I don't seem drawn to the middle of North America. I have always been committed to the coasts. I love the laid back attitude and gorgeous nature of the West Coast, and thrive off of the fast pace and dynamic cultural lifestyle of the East Coast. So how's a girl to choose where her heart lies?

I left Vancouver in search of adventure and after eight years on the East Coast I moved back to the West Coast this summer. I expected the stereotypical LA materialism and even laziness. I had heard that no one really works in LA (at least normal hours) and that I would miss the professional ambition and buzz of New York City. I thought my life would become smoothies and superficialism in comparison to the intellectual snobbery of NYC.

I was right and I was wrong. I was correct in assuming that people in LA do not work as long hours and do not value the chase up the corporate ladder as much as New Yorkers do. I was wrong in assuming that LA is merely filled with superficial people pursuing unfocused goals. Unlike New Yorkers, who love to one up each other on subjects such as the size/location of their apartments, their job titles and their designer clothes - the people I have met in Los Angeles, especially the succesful ones - seem very low key and mostly modest. I have been impressed.

However, I do think that those with East Coast upbringings and/or educations have an advantage on the West Coast. We can appreciate the "good life" here of biking on the beach and farmer's markets - however we understand that discipline and a work ethic is also essential in leading a fully balanced life. We've seen the chaos of NYC and are happy to exchange that for a fulfilling career, meaningful pursuits and a plain old good time. Ex-East Coasters in LA still work hard, they just don't take themselves quite as seriously as thy used to. So, I guess I am back to being a West Coaster for now.

Best Friends Forever?

Dear Danielle,

I am a 25 year female and I have had the same best friend for twenty years. We know everything about each other and up until recently could spend endless amounts of time together. We have always lived in the same cities, gone to the same schools and known the same people. I thought she was going to be my best friend forever. Recently however, we have moved to different countries for jobs and a love interest has threatened our trust of each other and impacted our closeness. My other friends/family tell me this relationship has expired, and that there is no such thing as a best friend forever. I know we both want to make it work, but is it silly investing so much effort in maintaining a best friendship through these challenges - isn't that type of relationship work only meant for love interests?

Sincerely,
"Fearing Friendship Breakup"

Dear "Fearing Friendship Breakup",

A best friendship dynamic is unique and is not comparable to other friendships. A best friend is precious, especially one that has known you since childhood. Don't listen to your friends/family who tell you best friendships aren't meant to be worked on. Every valuable relationship in life takes work to maintain. If our society put more emphasis on maintaining close friendships (which differ from social friendships that revolve around a particular location or situation which usually don't last decades), more people would have better support systems and feel more loved. Best friendships do not last out of coincidence. They last because friends choose to fight for each other despite distance and occasional conflict. Call your best friend. Tell her you love her. Tell her that you have faith your friendship will be able to overcome these difficulties. If you do this you will only be closer in the long term.

Legacy

I have already received many thought provoking questions, from the philosophical to the extremely light-hearted, however the following question really touched me. I might not have children yet, but this is subject I have been thinking about since I was a child. For those who don't have children of their own, you can always think of this in terms of any child you are close to. Possibly a student, niece/nephew, child of a friend, etc.

Dear Danielle,

If I were to die tomorrow what would be the most important thing I've left for my children?

Sincerely, "Dad Down Under"


Dear "Dad Down Under,"

The fact that you wrote in this question indicates that you are concerned with leaving a positive legacy for your children. The following concepts cannot be fulfilled by sitting down and having one heart to heart conversation with your child. They can only be achieved by incorporating these priciples into everyday dialogue and interaction, which may be challenging for those who were not raised themselves with these values. However, it is never to late to start teaching children how to be the best human beings possible.

1. Every child should feel like the most loved and most beautiful person out there. Of course this must be met with lessons of humility. Life will provide every individual with plenty of situations that inforce concepts of humility and even ego degeneration. However, a parent uniquely can offer their child the ladder to climb upwards and view the world from a position of strength and confidance. To believe that one can "be anything" and "do anything" ensures that during adolescence and adulthood an individual does not accept abusive or even demeaning treatment. By instilling in your child the sense of not only their worth but also their potential, they will less likely find themselves in an abusive relationship or a job they are miserable in. If a child thinks they deserve the best (not in a spoiled materialistic way - but in a standard of a happy lifestyle) than they will protect themselves more likely from dangerous or harmful situations for the soul and spirit.

2. It is just as important for children to understand their role as part of a family legacy and a community/society than it is for a child's individual ego to be developed in a healthy way (as highlighted above). Children need to learn that we are individuals responsible for our own well being, as well as members of a society responsible for broader worldly or communal progress. We must teach children that it is not enough to be selfish or even view life as a day to day personal pursuit. Rather, having long term goals and thinking of the welfare of others and the world is critical in a successful life. Simply, children need to understand they are an important link in a chain of humanity and the actions they take can either further or disrupt this chain. This principle could be applied to many facets of existence:
-Ensuring religious practice/ritual is passed down to your children
-Avoiding a sense of political apathetic-ness amongst your children
-Communicating the value for passing on specific family traditions and values

3. Children need to learn from their mistakes while they are young and realize that self-improvement and emotional/spritual awareness is key in a lifelong pursuit of self improvement. Teach your children that every new day presents an opportunity to be a better person. "If you wont be better tomorrow than you are today, then what need do you have for tomorrow?" - R. Nachman of Breslov

4. We live in a consumer culture so teach your child how to acquire. The type of acquisition I am referring to relates not to material possessions but how to overall acquire the quality of life they desire. This includes, how to make loyal, emotionally intelligent and successful friends and how to find a life partner that is worthy of them and challenges/uplifts them. A child can learn how to "acquire" the right lifestyle for themselves by understanding that quality friendships and relationships are sought out, cultivated and hard work is taken to maintain them. Just because your child has been friends with the same child since pre-school doesn't mean they should learn to stay in a friendship that is possibly a bad influence, or stay with a boyfriend that doesn't show them affection. Essentially, an ideal lifestyle can be achieved if one seeks out the type of people they want to associate with and build the type of social framework and/or community that fits their values. (I will be writing a future blog just on this subject matter.)