Keep your friends close and your lovers closer

Dear Danielle,

I am 23 years old and have never had a serious long term relationship, although I go on many dates and have dated guys for a few months at a time. What I am wondering is - what exactly is intimacy? Not physical, but more emotional/romantic intimacy. Although I have been with men I have never felt what it is like to be in an intimate relationship. I am starting to feel like I don't know what intimacy is and I definitely feel like I don't know how to find it.

Signed,
"Seeking Intimacy"


Dear "Seeking Intimacy,"

Imagine being in a crowded cocktail party at a friend's home. The room is full and there is a fun buzz in the air as friends mingle and laugh. As you are discussing politics with an old high school friend you haven't seen in awhile you catch eyes with a man across the room. Your heart skips a beat. You don't speak, and don't even really smile at each other, but you feel each other's presence and continue on socializing with others at the party. Throughout the night you don't interact much with the man you caught eyes with, yet you feel so connected and one with him. This isn't a stranger, but rather the man that you came to the party with. This man is your boyfriend or possibly your husband. And although you spent the whole night doing your own thing, you couldn't have felt closer to each other...Intimacy to me is sharing a bond and feeling a sense of shared experience even in moments when each person is living their own life.

Intimacy can mean different things to different people. "Knowing it when you feel it," pretty well sums up the search for intimacy, yet, that doesn't mean you should sit back and wait for an intimate relationship to come find you. I have always known what intimacy means to me, and thankfully married a man who I know I can share such intimacy with. It takes work to maintain a constant sense of connection with someone, and small intimate acts can encourage that all around sense of closeness in a relationship.

Intimacy cannot be had with any Joe you find in a nightclub, therefore you are correct about questioning how intimacy can be found. When you meet a man that you really think you have potential with, meaning there is chemistry and mutual respect and affection - the process of intimacy cultivation can begin. I know what you're wondering, what do I mean by "intimacy cultivation"?

Intimacy cultivation refers to the process in which an individual and a couple set the foundation for an intimate relationship. Closeness between a couple must exist not just in sexual or specifically romantic situations but during normal life. Not every grocery store trip with your spouse will feel like fireworks and/or extreme intimacy, but that's just the point. Intimacy doesn't mean anything out of the ordinary. Intimate relationships are one's that uplift day to day life and find special moments during unlikely times.

So, when you begin dating a guy that you like, I suggest that you focus on truly getting to know this person. Intimacy can only occur in a deep way when a sense of familiarity exists. Listen closely to your partner and try to understand him/her on a level that the rest of the world might not. After awhile, this sense of knowing will result in private jokes or you just knowing the right thing to say at the right time to make the other person feel acknowledged.

Intimacy also is achieved by striking the right balance between private couple time and socializing with work colleagues, friends, and each other's families. It is one thing to make eyes at each other in private, but it is another thing to mediate a new relationship within the larger world. Even during "public" moments the challenge is to stay connected to each other. Whether it be by a sexy gaze, holding hands, etc. Not every couple is comfortable with the same levels of PDA. What's important is that each couple finds a way to relate regardless of the setting.

If you get to know the depths of someone and are comfortable exhibiting closeness with them in private and public then you are on your way to an intimate relationship.

My father-in-law came for the weekend to surprise my husband. Unfortunately, my husband had to work most of the time but the up-side was that I got to spend a lot of quality time with my father-in-law.

Advice of the day:

Pick an older wiser person in your life, whether it be a parent, grandparent, aunt or teacher and ask them to share with you either a story or piece of advice. We all know we are supposed to respect/honor our elders, but for along time I thought it was because our elders are due our respect. This weekend I realized we have to respect those older and wiser, not for what it does for them, but what it can do for us. Not only can we learn important lessons and look at the world in a unique way - but listening to the advice of someone with experience can help us avoid making some of the mistakes they have and encourage us to follow in the lead of their successes.

I would live in my pajamas if I could. Growing up, I was always the little girl who wanted to play dress up in my older cousins prom dress handy-me-downs. With no black tie events to go to on a regular basis, I have morphed from a party dress girl to a lululemon and running shoes girl. I have been asking myself - is there something wrong with opting for a more casual and care-free me? Or should I be primping myself even if I have no where special to go?

I don't wear make-up on a day to day basis. Thank God I have always had great skin, although I could use some concealer for the dark circles under my eyes that I inherited from my father. I try when I go out for dinner with my husband to put mascara and eye liner on. Although he loves me natural looking I have noticed that he does make comments when I wear eye make up. Maybe I should be wearing make up everyday? Am I starting down a downward spiral if I don't "put myself together" everyday?

I have realized there is a difference between being shlumpy and low maintenance. Shlumpy is going to the movies in a stained sweatshirt and sweatpants. Low maintenance is applying lip gloss in the morning and sliding on a favorite pair of jeans and white button down. Aiming for glamour seems unrealistic for me, at least on a typical day, but low maintenance with a slight hint of flare seems doable.

My advice for today:
Spend the extra ten seconds painting your toe nails, applying eye shadow or putting on that necklace you always seem to forget to wear...you don't need to be high maintenance to look "maintained." The little things really count. And the men in your life will notice.

Dear Danielle,

I come from a very wealthy family. We have our own private plane and vacation homes in Maui and St. Barts. We don't need to work a day in our life if we don't want to, although we both do have our own careers. I am concerned for my sister because she has been dating a guy for about a year. He is a lawyer, but is just starting out and does not nearly have as much money as my sister. I have noticed that whenever I am out with them my sister always pays. Her boyfriend sometimes offers, but never insists to pay. I know she like to live the good life, and so maybe she feels responsible for paying for their lifestyle - but I think because he is the man he should still be the one to pay more times than not. In addition, they have been fighting a lot lately and I am worried he is just staying with her for the money. Should I say something to her about it? Or should I talk to him and tell him to start acting like a man when it comes to his relationship with my sister?

Sincerely,

"Protective Older Brother"


Dear "Protective Older Brother,"

Either your sister and her boyfriend should start doing less expensive activities, or he should fork over some cash to cover their lifestyle. If things keep going the way they have been, either her boyfriend will feel emasculated by the fact that she always pays, or he will start taking advantage of her and stay with her because of the money. It would be one thing if their relationship otherwise was going well, but it sounds like things are rocky and therefore the money issue definitely will come into play somehow. Speak to your sister and tell her you are concerned about her and want her to be with someone who carries his own weight, emotionally and monetarily in the relationship. Tell her that although it isn't necessary for her to be with someone as rich as you, whoever she is with must be generous with what he has. If she doesn't receive your advice well, back off quickly. Ultimately it is up to her to sort this out.

Gives new meaning to "Potty Mouth"

Dear Danielle,

I work for a local newspaper as a VP of advertising. I was in the bathroom at work last week, and while I was in the stall I heard two co-workers (I am their superior) talking about me because they didn't know I was in there. Nothing they said was totally terrible, but they did say at one point that I am a "control freak." I stayed in the stall until they left, so they don't know I overheard them. Should I confront them with the hopes we can have a frank discussion and improve our work relationship? I don't think I am controlling and wonder what I have been doing to make them think so.

Signed,

"Boss in the Bathroom"

Dear "Boss in the Bathroom,"

Nothing good will be achieved by telling your co-workers you heard them gossiping. It will just create awkwardness at the office. In fact, it doesn't really matter if they think you are a "control freak." What matters is, how successful you are at what you do and how good of a leader you are. Convene a meeting with the co-workers
that you supervise with an agenda of asking them for suggestions on how you can help them do their job better and making your company more efficient. Be open to their suggestions and they will appreciate that you value their opinions. But remember, people will often think their boss is bossy. You can't make everyone like you, but you can be a strong and inspiring leader.

A Serious Man

We saw the Coen brothers movie "A Serious Man" over the weekend. I laughed hysterically, mostly because the characters were absurd yet oddly accurate. It is about a Jewish family living in the 1960's in a small mid-western town. The family seems to be cursed, and nothing goes right for the lead actor who is a stereotypical Jewish man - wimpy and a push-over. I highly recommend it.

My advice for today: Learn to laugh at yourself. Watching "A Serious Man" reminded me to laugh at my own culture, community and religion - considering we often take ourselves way too seriously.

Mom is a Cougar

Dear Danielle,

I am 29 years old and my parents have been divorced for 12 years. My father remarried awhile ago, but only over the last year has my mother really made an effort to meet men. Recently, she has been dating a man who is a decade younger than her. My mom works out a lot, has a great figure and dresses very young looking - so I am not surprised a younger guy would be attracted to her. But, the guy she is dating is not very intellectual. He shows her a good time, but I don't think he has what she needs for a lasting long term relationship. I want to tell her not to waste her time with him and find a man more her age who she could actually spend the rest of her life with. Should I butt in or leave her alone to figure it out?

Sincerely,

"Daughter of a Cougar"

Dear "Daughter of a Cougar,"

As long as your mother is happy, it is not your place to "tell her not to waste her time." She might never want to re-marry, and if she does, it is her decision who or when it is with. It might make you slightly uncomfortable to see your mother dating a younger man who doesn't fit the mold of a father type figure - but get over it. This isn't about you, this is about her finding her way and reinventing her life. Let her explore. This fling with the younger guy probably wont last, as you suggest, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with having fun along the way. Stop worrying about her and invest in your own love life - I have a hunch you it might need some attention :-)

There's Something About Michael...

I have one celebrity crush. Of course I think Brad Pitt and George Clooney are handsome, but they are not who I have a crush on. For the last 5 years I have gotten butterflies in my tummy every time I hear the music of Michael Buble.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Michael, he is originally from Vancouver (my home town) and has made it big due to his sultry voice and Sinatra-esque persona. I have seen him in concert twice, and thanks so the coordination of my amazing husband and father-in-law, I met Michael Buble back stage at one of his concerts a few summers back. Of course, I would never trade my husband for any other man - so my crush on Michael means something very specific to me.

Michael Buble represents romance to me. He stands for the good old days when men would open doors for women and tip their hats. Michael performs in a tuxedo and oozes an old school charm rarely found in gentleman today.

Once engaged to actress Emily Blunt, Michael currently is dating an Argentinian actress who apparently did not speak English when they first met. This perplexes me. So much a part of dating is communicating verbally. Late night talks about lifelong dreams, private jokes whispered during movies...whatever it is, language is an essential component to romance. I know what you're thinking, love trumps language and that love can be expressed in many ways other than language.

That may be true, but at the end of the day can one truly understand another without speaking their language (literally)? What are your thoughts?

My advice for today is: For those of us who share the same language as our spouse's - spend some time thinking about how being a good listener and understanding another person extends beyond purely translating the meaning of certain words. Verbal communication can either be an overflow of random words or it can be a key into some one's heart and soul. Let's pay close attention to what our loved ones are telling us. We might know what certain words mean according to Webster, but pay attention to what those mean to the person you love. Listening isn't just hearing, it is understanding where someone is coming from, and acting accordingly.

Have a fabulous weekend!

Social Butterfly

Making friends as an adult is sure different then making childhood or college friends. Childhood friendships which began as circumstantial relationships, often bloom over the years into life-long friendships. For most people, adolescence and university means endless hours of partying and philosophizing with many like-minded young people.

Although childhood friendship making is laden with plenty of cliques, bossiness, peer-pressure and sometimes bullying - establishing new adult friendships can often be more complicated. As people get older, the hours of the day get filled with work responsibilities, dating and married life, household duties and childcare. Little time of often left for building new friendships, and even new friendships are often as a result of circumstantial commonalities such as kids being in the same school or meeting through a work environment.

The way I look at it, maintaining friendships as an adult is a form of an investment. If adults invest in solid close friends, then they likely will have a support system when life gets tough - or friends to enjoy the successes of life with. But considering the fact that adults today have so little time and energy to devote to friendships - how best to "invest" friendship time?

While reading the Huffington Post this week I saw an article by Therese Borchard about the book"Bounce: Living the Resilient Life," written by psychology professor Robert Wicks. This book recommends what seems like - strategic friendship making. Wicks looks at friendships in terms of calculated efforts to surround oneself with the right kind of people, rather than a result of life's chance. Rather than be-friend a neighbor because they live next door, Wicks encourages people to seek out friends with certain qualities.

Specifically, the book advocates that we invite into our circle of friends four types of people: the prophet, the cheerleader, the harasser, and the guides. The prophet is not afraid to "tell it like it is" even if it something you don't want to hear while the cheerleader offers constant encouragement. The harasser bring humor and a sense of perspective into our lives while the guide is an attentive listener and analytic soul.

Everyones friendship needs are different. However, my advice for today is:

Invest in a handful of quality friendships. One or two can live far away...but also make sure you have a few close by. Less is definitely more when it comes to friends. Nothing wrong with being a social butterfly, but don't fly around so much that you have no true friendships to land on when you really need it.

Babies and Bugaboos

You probably know by now, just as does most of the free world, that Jon Gosselin was kicked off of the TLC show baring his name and that shortly afterwords he announced he was trying to get his kids off the air for the sake of their well being. I don't have children yet, but it does sadden me that kids can be used as pawns in a game of money, fame and exploitation.

I have been noticing lately, models of parenting from one extreme to the next. What I mean by that is, the Gosselin's might have sacrificed their children's well being for their own gains, but many parents of young children that I know sacrifice their own happiness for their children's...and I don't mean in a good way.

For instance, I know a mom who just bought a thousand dollar Bugaboo stroller for her daughter and 12 pairs of baby shoes, while my acquaintance complains that she can't afford a good haircut for herself or a date night with her husband. All too many moms I know seem to ignore their own needs, not just for the sake of feeding and caring for the basic needs of their kids, but also in order to provide material possessions that aren't necessary. This sense of self-sacrifice might make them feel like perfect giving parents, but actually will probably result in spoiled perpetually un-satisfied children. When parents sacrifice there own romantic time or clothing budget so their kids can have one more stuffed animal, not only are parents teaching kids that nothing is ever "enough" in life, but also that its OK to let one's marriage go.

Jon and Kate Gosselin might have put their own financially success before creating a healthy childhood for their kids, but is that worse then parents who sacrifice their own sanity for the sake of a Burberry back pack for their two year old? Balance when it comes to parenting seems to be a challenge. I know it is harder then it looks.

Any suggestions from parents out there on how to balance the needs of mom and dad while still providing for the kids?